Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Are my feet made of real feet?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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