I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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