college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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