he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
