when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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