dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
