plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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