I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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