Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
