Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
