dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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