He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
