3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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