i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize