I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
