I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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