In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
