when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
