In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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