My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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