If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
