I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
