They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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