Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
