sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
