I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize