i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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