i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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