my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
