I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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