i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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