Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
