Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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