Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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