We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
