found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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