I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You're like the curious george of whores
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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