So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
