If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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