Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She even gives head with a lisp.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
