nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
