I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
