It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize