your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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