Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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