don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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