my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
