i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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