I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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