all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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