u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
