Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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