oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
